Navigating Family Holidays

For many people, the holiday season brings a mix of emotions. There’s excitement, nostalgia, and connection, but stress, tension, and potentially complicated family dynamics are frequently present as well. Such mixed emotions are a very human response to complex relationships. If you’ve ever felt dread instead of the cheer that you are “supposed” to feel as the holidays approach, you’re not alone. Our culture emphasizes the joy of the holiday season and this expectation can feel ubiquitous. When every message seems to say “Everything should be cheerful” and “Everyone should be happy to be together”, it is easy to feel like you are doing something “wrong” when you don’t feel this way. It can help to have an understanding of just how normal it is to have these mixed feelings and to create a game plan for how you will navigate the holidays. 

Many of us have had an experience of feeling like we’re “a kid again” when we gather with our families at the holidays. Family gatherings can stir up old patterns and emotions; sometimes this familiarity is comforting and sometimes it can feel suffocating or irritating (or maybe all these at once!). Around parents or siblings, it’s easy to slip back into a role you inhabited years ago, such as peacemaker, caretaker, or mediator. Even if you have grown and changed, returning to familiar environments can often make it hard to show up as your current self and easy to regress. It can feel frustrating to notice yourself reacting in ways you thought you’d outgrown. 

Unresolved conflicts and tension may also bubble beneath the surface in families. The elephant in the room is harder to ignore when everyone is together, and things left unsaid throughout the year can feel louder when everyone’s under one roof. 

Grief can make the holidays more challenging, too. Maybe someone is missing this year, or maybe life just looks different than it once did. It’s natural to feel that absence and to wish things could be the way they used to be. Additionally, social media, movies, and even friends can make it seem like everyone else has something you don’t, such as a closer family, smoother traditions, or a more peaceful season. While it’s normal to long for what looks “ideal,” every family has its own history, patterns, and complexities.

When you are around your family and the holidays start to feel overwhelming, you can implement some strategies that can help you protect your wellbeing. Setting an intention for yourself and acknowledging your unique experience can help. For instance, before you arrive at a family gathering, take time to ground yourself, telling yourself something like: “It’s okay if this feels hard. I can only control how I show up, not how others respond.” This grounds you in self-compassion and reduces the pressure to manage everyone else’s emotions. 

You can also be kind to yourself by giving yourself permission to take space. If you notice you are feeling pulled to engage in the same old fight, use this awareness to help you interrupt that familiar dynamic. Grab the dog and go for a walk, initiate a board game, or even just step outside and take a breath. 

Limiting social media is also a useful strategy if you find that comparisons to others leave you feeling upset or less-than. Let go of the idea of a “picture-perfect holiday” by focusing on the meaningful connections you have both in and outside your family and prioritize spending time with the people who make you feel safe and understood. 

Having an exit plan can also be a strategy to help protect your peace. Whether it’s leaving early, staying at a hotel, or having a friend you can call, knowing you have an ‘out’ can help you feel more in control. 

Last, but not least, when you get home, give yourself time to decompress, before jumping back into work or your daily life. You could light a candle, take a walk, or journal about what came up for you. While reflecting, offer yourself the same kindness you’d give a friend: “That was a lot. I did my best, and that’s enough.”

Whatever you do, you don’t have to navigate the holidays alone. In therapy, support is always available to help you move through this time with more understanding, calmness, and care.

Working with a therapist can help you explore the patterns that resurface around family, learn to set healthy boundaries, and find compassion for yourself amid the stress.